The Dude Abides

Last week my brother and his family came for a visit. We had a lovely time and at some point during the week, my brother asked my seventeen-year-old son how I had changed since retiring.  “He’s a lot more relaxed and happier” my son replied.  While I agree with him, his answer gave me a moment of sadness.  The implication of his answer is that my prior (working) self was more uptight and noticeably less relaxed. How long had I been this way?  I starting to think about what it takes to approach life with calmness and how much farther I still can go toward this aim.  For reasons I cannot fully explain, Jeff Lebowski’s life mantra “The Dude abides” forced its way to the front of my mind.

The Big Lebowski is my favorite Coen Brother’s movie (just ahead of Miller’s Crossing). For many of us over 45, this movie is considered a classic.  If you’re unfamiliar, the story is about a case of mistaken identity, bowling, a kidnapping mystery, missing ransom money, and the pursuit of replacing a rug “that really tied the room together”.  Our protagonist is an unemployed, ex-hippie named Jeffrey Lebowski who insists on going by the moniker of “The Dude”.  He ambles into and out of trouble throughout the movie.  When asked how it’s going, The Dude replies “you know, strikes and gutters, ups and downs”.  At the end of the movie, he shrugs his shoulders and signs off with “The Dude abides”. 

The Dude Abides.

This simple philosophy has stuck with me and periodically forces a reckoning of the many times I don’t abide.  I’m in no way an expert in world philosophies.  I’ve read translated Zen Koans and from parts of the Tao Te-Ching, BUT, I read them with prototypical American action-orientation that completely misses the point (I’ll read 3 of these suckers every morning before launching into my e-mail!)  So, with my limited exposure and flawed understanding, The Dude always struck me as one in tune with Buddhist or Taoist ideals lodged deep in his core being.  Turns out I’m not the only one. 

While reacquainting myself with one Jeff Lebowski this past week, I discovered a book called “The Tao of the Dude: Awesome Insights of Deep Dudes from Lao Tzu to Lebowski” by Oliver Benjamin.  If you’re tempted to head down the Lebowski rabbit hole by watching the movie, you may as well go all the way (you can, of course, find the book on Amazon).  

I’ve seen Taoism described as the “art of not trying” and while this most certainly describes The Dude’s approach to life, I prefer the notion that it represents to “go with the flow”.  This is what comes to mind when I picture the Dude abiding.  One blog post is not nearly enough to unpack “Dude-ism” let alone Taoism.  But perhaps we can at least pull that one sweatshirt from the top of the suitcase and put it on for a few minutes.  

How would the Dude abide at work?

I already mentioned that I dabbled in reading books on Tao and Zen teachings.  Unfortunately, I never could find how to consistently apply the learnings in my daily work life.  My approach was as if instead of admiring the simple beauty of a flower, I would pluck it, drop it in boiling water and make a tea from the petals.  If I could only quickly consume the flower’s essence, it would make me peaceful, happy, relaxed and I could get on with my workday.  Surprisingly, this doesn’t seem to be how one attains enlightened calmness. 

It’s hard to go with the flow in the modern workplace.  Every signal tells us to strive for more, to achieve better results, to get ahead.  There isn’t a lot of time and space to consider whether we’re living a balanced life.  Balance and living in the flow become even more challenging when the hectic pace of work align with our strengths.  “Achievement” and “Responsibility” were common words that rose to the top for me whenever I participated in a work exercise to identify my strengths, human dynamics, spirit animal, etc.  So when you believe that you should work hard, you get rewarded for working hard, and you’re good at working hard, it can be difficult to convince yourself that you’re working too hard.

The Dude avoids work altogether. So, sadly, we don’t have an answer as to how he’d abide in the noble pursuit of creating value through his labor.  But perhaps we can reach into Dudeism for some positive reinforcement.  We already have a sense of what it takes to bring better balance to our lives and go with the flow.  Sometimes we just need a fresh perspective to remind us.

Never pass up time off

With the benefit of a year in retirement, I can absolutely confirm that I do not regret a single missed day of work.  There are no unattended meetings that haunt me from the graveyard, praying upon my psyche.  As far as I know, nothing came to a grinding halt whenever I did take time away from work.  On the other hand, I do remember the school events, parties, and even vacations missed because I was working.  Fun times were had by all…so the pictures and videos seem to show.

Delaying or foregoing time away from work can become a twisted badge of honor.  “I couldn’t possibly be away from my job right now.”  How many of us have articulated or thought this notion?  I have, many times.  Today we work longer hours than ever before.  Technology allows twenty-four-hour, seven day a week access to work.  True time away from our jobs has become an increasingly rare occurrence.  You’re not really rejuvenating when you scramble like hell before a vacation, spend the first couple of days thinking about work, anxiously spend the last couple of days wondering what is waiting for you, and then spend the next week catching up.

“Almost uniquely among the developed nations, America took none of its productivity gains in additional leisure.  It bought consumer items instead.”

– Bill Bryson, Made in America

I have heard of the existence of people who truly and fully love their jobs.  Allegedly, there’s some grainy footage of said people in the dark corners of the internet.  It’s not that I disliked my career.  To the contrary, I feel extremely fortunate to have been employed at one company for so long.  So long, in fact, that I estimate I put in over 60,000 hours over the duration of my career.  That’s a lot of time, even if I were one of those mythical job-lovers.  Humans need rejuvenation and time to strengthen bonds with family, community, nature, and one’s own inner self.  From time to time, we all need to follow The Dude’s slacker example.

Set boundaries

If we find it hard to take time away from work, we will most certainly find it difficult to keep work and non-work activities separated day to day.  From any time zone and nearly everywhere, we can get our work done.  We can reach and be reached via e-mail, Instant Message, text message, Slack, phone call, Zoom call, etc.  We can literally work around the clock.  Nothing’s stopping us except for ourselves.

I found that the boundary between work and non-work became even fuzzier with the onset of the pandemic-driven work from home reality and expectation.  On its’s surface, working from home all the time seems like a blessing.  However, we eliminated the explicit build up and cool down period between the workplace  and home previously known as our commute.  In addition, it simply became easier to jump into work activities, day or night, when the laptop is always there, ready to accommodate our surrender back into the Matrix.

Precedence is powerful.  Bosses, co-workers, and direct reports recognize and come to expect behavior as it is repeated.  If we’re apt to “log-in” early in the day, at night, or on weekends, it comes to be expected and normalized.  Our ancestors faced real stresses, far beyond what most of us experience.  But even they had the good sense to turn-in when the sun went down.

“Numerous studies have shown that the most important factors in reducing stress include being among loved ones and family, and having the time for peaceful contemplation – a description much more fitting our ancestors than ourselves.”

-William Allman, The Stone Age Present

Don’t be afraid to move on

I believe we often conclude that our choices in life are limited.  That, once on a path, we need to “stay the course” else things will unravel.  I’m a strong advocate for planning and setting goals in life, but plans are only useful if they remain flexible.  Life brings “strikes and gutters, ups and downs”.  Plans change, or rather they should change, as part of going with the flow.    

“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”

-Ellen Goodman

One of the worst results of not taking time away from work, is that we find it difficult to really look at how our life is going.  To assess if our plan still makes sense.  In the years directly before the pandemic put an end to business travel, I found flying to be one of the few opportunities I truly afforded myself for quiet reflection.  I was keenly aware of the choice before me: continue to work long hours at a stressful, well-compensated job or do something else.  The possibility of early retirement was in the balance.

I don’t know if The Dude would agree with me, but I believe the clearer we are about where we want to go, the freer we are to decide on the best paths to get there.  Going with the flow shouldn’t mean feeling trapped in life.  The Dude abides is about not allowing external forces to dictate the terms of our own existence.  At one point in The Big Lebowski, The Dude exclaims “This aggression will not stand, man.”  I like to think he’s talking to all those external forces.  Sometimes we need to move on and do what’s right for our own good.

It isn’t Easy to Abide

There is no shame in admitting that I have done a lousy job of following the Tao of The Dude.  I’m trying to do better.  If my seventeen-year-old notices the change in me, well, then I guess I’m not a completely lost cause.  Here are some (of the many) places where I have a long way to go.

Assume good intentions in others

The opportunity to shine in this area presents itself every single time I drive my car.  Unfortunately, the flip-side opportunity of yelling at other “idiots” in cars tends to be the one that emerges.  Some people truly do approach life through a lens of malice and selfishness.  But I like to assume that most of us are just trying to get by, carrying around whatever internal luggage we have.  Sometimes its hard to drive perfectly with so much baggage in the way.  Keeping this perspective alive is also hard for me, given all the baggage in my own head.

Let the kids learn and grow

Any parent reading this post knows how challenging “letting go” can be.  Our children grow because they have triumphs and failures.  It can be emotionally draining for mothers and fathers to decide when to enable a child to experience an opportunity that might result in either outcome.  I find it hard to keep in mind that my kids are all teenagers and should, therefore, take on more of life’s uncertainty.  I want to ask if my help or advice is needed.  But, more often than not, I forget and provide it straightaway without request.  Maybe I’ll get this right just about the time my kids start their own families?

Talk less, smile more

In the musical Hamilton, Aaron Burr advises Alexander to “talk less, smile more” as a means of achieving success.  Perhaps it is also sound advice if one aspires to follow in the path of The Dude.  To say that we live in contentious times is an epic understatement.  I often work myself up into a state of distress when I encounter perspectives that differ from mine.  I’m not saying that one shouldn’t stand up for their beliefs, or fight for things like human rights and justice.  It’s just that, in most of our day-to-day circumstances, we’re encountering other people with their own set of thoughts and perspectives.  To quote The Dude: “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man”.  Maybe I should focus my dissatisfaction and aim my mental energy toward efforts that can change the circumstances rather than try to change another person’s mind.

Another Cool Dude

I’ll wrap up with one last quote that made an impact on my reflection-starved working self.  Here’s to hoping we can find more moments to take it easy, Dude-like, and live in the present. 

“Man sacrifices his health in order to make money.  Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.  And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die and then dies having never really lived.” 

– The Dalai Lama

The Dude exists in peace with the many things that perturb him. Let’s all consider what we can do differently in life to exist like The Dude.

P.S. I’ve created a Spotify playlist to help remind us to go with the flow more often – enjoy!

Written by: A. Reed Reviewed by: B. Holman