Expect Better

I’m back at it after a long vacation in Vermont and up-state New York.  I expected to be charmed by the natural beauty and thick slices of Americana that make this truly a beautiful part of the world.  Happily, my expectations were exceeded.  Expectations are a funny construct of the human mind.  Rarely do I go into a new situation or travel to a new place with a completely open perspective.  It is especially challenging to maintain an open mind, free from expectations, in the modern world when we can summon the Oracle of Google to inform us on all subjects, no matter how obscure.  We may not be able to avoid creating expectations (and it’s not likely a good idea to completely eliminate them), BUT perhaps we can learn to expect better.

The trouble with expectations begins when we become attached to them.  When they form the definition by which we judge our worthiness or the worthiness of others.  Expectations can forge shackles of fear that limit our ability to try new things.  How many times have you thought “why bother, it’s not going to work out in the end”?  I know this thought has periodically stopped me from taking a next step, talking to a new person, or making a positive change in my life.  Does this mean we should lower our expectations to avoid disappointment?  I don’t think so.  Instead, maybe we should start to:

“Expect everything and attach to nothing.” — Carrie Campbell

Attach to Nothing

My twenty-year old son has an unwavering expectation that he will be able to make a living playing video games.  Fellow parents will recognize just how concerning this sort of idea is once articulated by an offspring.  Big dreams are one thing, but geez, keep ‘em in your internal voice please!  You start saying those things out loud and you’ll only convince other people you have your head in the clouds. 

Funny thing about big dreams, sometimes they start to manifest themselves. My son is on his university’s e-sport team.  My wife and I will watch him play Rocket League tournaments on Twitch (an online service that streams video games – welcome to 2022 by the way) against other college team.  There are still long odds on him eventually earning any money playing video games.  However, he expects that it will happen, works hard at his craft and is not disappointed when any particular event or specific time period fails to produce a monetary reward.  This is what it means to expect everything and attach to nothing.  We can be persistent and remain resilient when we detach from the need for specific outcomes.  In this way, we can expect better.     

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

I tuned into this idea of expecting everything and attaching to nothing when I came across this article.  Hardy writes about the story of Molly Bloom.  I won’t retell the tale here but instead cut to the chase.  Molly achieved a lot of fame and financial success, lost it all, and then rose from the ashes of her life to be successful yet again.  One of her quotes stands out for me: “I have lost everything. I have nothing to lose. I have no ego.”

Lose the right things

We don’t need to lose everything in order to pursue big dreams.  We only need to lose that which does not serve us in the pursuit of these dreams.  Ego, fear, prejudices, attachment to things and stale ideas…these are worth leaving behind.  Our minds need a lot of space to hold and nurture our big dreams.  There isn’t extra room for a bunch of unhelpful stuff that only makes that space seem smaller.

Open Your Mind

“I’ve got an open mind, why don’t you all get inside?”

Beastie Boys, Hey Ladies

Making room for big ideas and high expectations means we need to periodically have a garage sale of the brain so that we can get rid of the stuff that takes up room and keeps our minds’ full and closed to new ideas.  Albert Einstein once said that: “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” This isn’t to say that it’s good to be easily swayed, drifting this way and that.  I’m of the opinion that most of us are so set in our ways that a little more flexibility and openness will in no way show us to be reckless.

Someone once told me that luck exists at the intersection of opportunity and preparation.  I think there is actually a third aspect of luck: having an open mind.  Being open to the possibilities that might exist outside the framework of our current attachments is crucial if we are to recognize all the opportunities that come our way.  Openness expands our preparation beyond the confines of our current expectations and preconceived notions. An open mind is an excellent tonic to help prevent the affliction of continuously lowering our expectations.

Henry Ford said that: “Whether your think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.”  We can expect better by opening doors that we’ve closed of our own volition.  I’m not suggesting that nothing is impossible.  I do believe, however, that we gradually narrow our options throughout life by becoming attached to our own way of thinking.  Open-mindedness helps to ensure that we broaden our preparation and be ready for more opportunities that will come our way. Perhaps an open mind will also help us find our Ikigai!

Our Values Allow Us to Expect Better

Recently I have been recording stories from my father’s life.  One of the tales from our family lore he recounted involves my grandfather.  During the Great Depression my grandfather assumed responsibility for more than just his own small family.  He was married to the oldest daughter of a single parent family and And so, the stakes were high on the day that he set out to secure a job at a hide tanning factory in Denver, CO.  A single job was advertised as being available so imagine my grandfather felt deflated to see dozens of people already waiting in line at the plant.

The story goes that while my grandfather was waiting in this long line for the tiny chance of securing the job, a stack of untanned hides toppled over.  Without hesitation, he left his place in line, walked over to the unruly pile of hides, and began to restack them.  Not because he had the job already or because he thought it might curry favor with the factory’s management but because he saw a job that needed to be done.  As you might guess, he did in fact get the single job that was available.

My grandfather believed in the value of hard, honest work.  I saw that value play out many times while he was alive and through many more stories my father tells of his life.  Opportunities find us when we live a life that is well-aligned with our values and principles, .  Anchoring on our personal values instead of on specific outcomes allows us to expect better things…and then actually achieve them.

Expect Better

So hopefully you’ll agree that the answer isn’t to lower expectations or try to eliminate them altogether.  We can (and should) expect better by detaching from the need for specific outcomes, keeping our mind open to new opportunities, and living a life consistent with our values.  Oh yeah, maybe a little luck wouldn’t hurt either.

Written by: A Reed Reviewed by: B Holman